we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
