I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
