Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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