Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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