My sheets look like a crime scene.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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