Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
