why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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