If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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