You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
