so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
