my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
