i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
