I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
