there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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