If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
