Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
