yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
