My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Houston, we have a blender
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
