I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
