well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
