just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
