So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
