Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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