did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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