she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
