I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
