I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm really busy with my period
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