i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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