You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.