she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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