So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
