I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
