made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
