The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
