my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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