Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
sex in a hospital.. check
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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