There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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