Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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