So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
