My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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