I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
