The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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