Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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