I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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