im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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