End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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