At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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