we have officially lost it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
