Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
