dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
