when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
