whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
