I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
