I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
