Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
