I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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