We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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