Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
