you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
