Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
