I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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